The Houston Texans are going to be really bad, and they are trying to let you know in a very subtle fashion on HBO.

We all watch Hard Knocks. Clearly, we're fans of the show. That doesn't mean we like the Houston Texans. That being said, why don't we all just enjoy this show through vicarious, unfounded hating? It's called a blog, and I'm starting one.

Don't get bogged down (or blogged down) in all the story lines. Let's start with the main issue.

houstontexans.com 

Is JJ Watt A Super-Hero?

The answer is clearly affirmative. The NFL's most feared defensive player scares the living hell out of everybody by catching one-handed passes, taking his shirt off, and basically putting on a 24-7 Gatorade commercial.

I almost gagged whenever he did his private workout session in front of the camera. Too may tire flips. The dry heaving became a reality whenever he sang along with Linkin Park. Yes, Linkin Park. Gross.

Am I the only one that finds it kind of hokey? Really, who does all that?

I get that he probably stays way later than all the other players. He most likely works out harder than anybody else in the franchise. There is absolutely nothing to hate about the guy, especially with how much he gives back to the fans and community.

It's probably real. It's just not fair.

Good luck to any guy that dates a girl he talked to. He really is Superman. The best you can try to be is Aquaman, and then you're still only standing in the shade of his oak tree.

Rob Gronkowski wishes he could be JJ Watt. Too bad Watt's coach doesn't believe in them.

houstontexans.com

Towing The Company Line

Bill O'Brien is doing his best to fool the cameras, but he and the rest of the world know that the Texans are going to be awful.

He started off the show with an entire speech, but these are the only lines that stuck with me: "This place has no respect in the league...nobody talks about the Houston Texans."

That's why all the cutaways are about the chemistry. It's easy to put cameras on a coach talking about the way everybody is buying in, but how about the facts?

Somebody please tell me how many accurate passes were thrown in the first episode. The answer is zero.

The truth is, without Arian Foster, they are done (C'mon, Kenny Hilliard). No chance. Simply a drank can ready to get crushed and tossed in the recycle bin...

There is a single hope. His name is DeAndre Hopkins.

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DeAndre 3000

Teams don't just toss a player like Andre Johnson away. The Texans knew just how nasty DeAndre Hopkins was going to be before letting their franchise's career leading receiver walk away.

My fellow fantasy football players have been up on Hopkins for a while. For those of you that have been sleeping on him with the comfort of a Tempurpedic mattress, let's lay it down.

He made DeAngelo Hall fall down with a move. We all saw it. Then, he taunted Hall as the medical staff tended to his severely broken ankles (in a streetball sense). If this were a basketball court, we would all have our shirts off and be running around taping vertical videos to post to WorldStar.

As much of a joke the Texans might be, Hopkins is no joke. Save the lives of your secondaries, and please, double-team him.

BONUS NOTES:

  • JJ Watt is more of a bro than Rob Gronkowski (see Linkin Park)
  • I just want to hang out with Vince Wilfork. He's the best. No debate. Watch it.
  • Again, Wilfork is the man. He proved that he is a pickup-basketball overlord.
  • Romeo Crennel keeps it REAL. I did not expect him to cuss that much

Quote of the Week:

Former Patriots LB and current Texans LB Coach Mike Vrabel on the heat:

"You could be working. Imagine if you had to get up and work every f****** day...what your parents did was work. What your grandparents did was work. This ain't work."