The 10 People You Will Find at Every Super Bowl Party
While the New York Giants and the New England Patriots prepare to tangle in the Super Bowl, the rest of America continues to prepare for one of this country’s annual rites: the Super Bowl party. No matter the bash, no matter how big or small, you can be sure it will be populated by the same group of fans.
Here’s a look at the types of people who show up at Super Bowl parties:
The Way Too Intense Fan
You know this guy. He’s extremely focused on breaking down every play and yells “Shhh!” so he can hear the referee announce just what exactly the penalty is. He likes to reference obscure plays from past Super Bowls and is surprised when you don’t remember. He’s the guy who tries to tell everyone at halftime what kind of adjustments both teams need to make, even though no one asked for the opinion of this wannabe John Madden.
This guy doesn’t care about the game. He’s more intent on winning one of the 27 pools he’s in. He’s the guy who’ll explain to anyone willing to listen that if one team has a total number of points that ends in a 5 at the end of the game, he’ll win $50, which would be impressive if he hadn’t shelled out $200 for all the pools he’s in.
The Woman Who Has No Clue What the Super Bowl Is
In an effort to try and fit in, she shows up wearing her Juicy Couture sweats to show she’s sporty, but she’s not pulling the wool over anyone’s eyes. Pity the fool who gets stuck next to her and is forced to answer her questions about what a first down is, what city each team in from and what’s the difference between a field goal and a touchdown. After about 15 minutes of trying to figure out what the heck is happening on the field, she gives up and spends the rest of the game filing her nails, looking up only to watch the commercials.
The Overworked Host
Inviting a few friends over to watch the big game sounds like a fun idea, right? Wrong! It requires more effort than executing a coach’s game plan. The host is up at the crack of dawn cleaning and then has to get all the food ready. Inevitably, the host forgets something minor but essential, like ice, and has to wait in a long line at the supermarket. Then, the host parades around the bash making sure coasters are being used, all while not paying any attention to the game. Sadly, the host falls asleep midway through the fourth quarter, curled up on the floor because there’s no room on any couch.
Much like the gambler, the drunk has no interest in the game, per se. He’s the guest who, even though the host tells him there’s going to be a keg, shows up with a 12-pack, just for himself. By the second quarter, he’s got his arm slung around you, by the third he’s furious there was an incomplete pass and by the fourth he’s passed out by the toilet, which is a really big problem because other people really have to do their business.
The Guy No One Knows
It’s a big party, so everyone figures that quiet guy in the corner is with a friend of a friend. And since everyone is having a good time, no one really cares. They start to care, though, when he polishes off the last of the nachos and starts crying inexplicably. Who is this guy? No one will ever know, but his antics will be a good conversation starter for next year’s shindig.
The Woman Looking for Love
This hot-to-trot single lady is way too dressed up for a football game. And by “way too dressed up,” we mean she’s wearing mascara and has her shirt tucked in because she heard “there’s going to be cute guys” there. She works the room like she’s at a speed dating event, but people pick up her neediness like a QB recognizing a blitz. Sadly, there’s only one guy at the party who’s digging her vibe and she could not be less interested.
This is the guy no one wanted to invite, but everyone at the party has known him for years, so he needs to be there or else he’ll be furious, which fits right in with his personality. Once he arrives, he won’t shut up about how far away he had to park. Then, he pipes in with his displeasure over the 40-foot Italian sub that was brought in, but he has no problem eating half of it. He wins his pool, but then tells anyone who’ll listen that he should’ve bet more, at which point the gambler at the party smacks him.
The New Parents
Last year, this guy was all about doing a shot for every pass completed. This year, he’s talking about his registry at Babies R Us while his wife hides out in the guest room breastfeeding. Basically, he’s no fun and all you can do when getting stuck while talking to him is say things like, “My cousin is due in April.” The good news is they have a baby, so they have to go home right after kickoff, at which point they’ll put Junior to bed and crank up a rerun of ‘Will & Grace’ on their DVR.
The Frat Guy
With each passing Super Bowl, this guy becomes less and less entertaining. He’s decked out in garb of a team not playing in the game and most likely wearing a hat backwards. He’s constantly talking about “this chick who strung me along” and tries to lead a chant to get people to play a drinking game. He’s the clown who’s actually sad inside.
The Woman Who Doesn’t Want to Be There and Isn’t Afraid to Show It
Odds are she came with someone, like a boyfriend whose friends she can barely tolerate. She hates football, she hates wings, she hates cheering at things that are not related to a half-off sale and by the looks of her she also hates smiling. She’s generally all-around unpleasant and harder to swallow than that so-called spinach dip no one wants to touch.
The Person on the Phone
Sure, the person on the phone is at the party, but he might as well be anywhere else. He’s checking his email every 30 seconds, sending text messages every 45 seconds and cruising the Internet in between. He’s not so much talking to anyone as he is looking down at his phone while saying “yeah” every few seconds so it appears like he’s paying attention. Basically, he’s every person in America under the age of 25.
Drew Weisholtz is a funny guy. Unless you didn’t like this, in which case he’s simply using a pseudonym. He’s written for ABC and other online outlets and does standup comedy in front of actual people. You can follow him on Twitter @undrstoodgenius.