Cajuns Should Dominate The International Beer Mile Classic
All your life, people told you beer and exercise don't mix. They're all liars, and you've been missing out on your one true calling.
You probably didn't know there's actually an event that rewards drinking and running, or sprinting under the influence. Alcohol isn't exactly a performance enhancing drug, but in the Beer Mile Classic, it's half of the equation.
At this point, you probably think this is a joke. On the contrary, I'm as serious as a heart attack. Cajuns were MADE for this event, and I won't rest until the International Beer Mile Classic trophy comes back to Acadiana.
Curious how it works? Simple, you run four laps around a regulation 1/4 mile track, chugging one beer per lap. The faster you drink, the sooner you get back on the track...this is the only sport where "CHUG, CHUG, CHUG" is actually solid advice.
"Ready, set, DRINK!"
— Dale KingClutterbuck (@KingCluttss) July 31, 2016
I hope you noticed those rockin' red, white and blue shorts. That's right, America was represented at the Beer Mile Classic, but those Americans weren't trained with Abita under the hot Louisiana sun.
Notice the rules demand you use bottles not cans, so don't go thinking you can shotgun all four beers in a second. You have to chug one beer per lap, and it's hard to fight those bubbles. Burps are the enemy, but you're stronger than a little gas.
Looks easy enough, right? There's just a few rules you need to know before you commit your life to training...or drinking...or both?
This sport is about commitment. It's really a no-nonsense affair. Even the beer drinking is scrutinized. Cheaters can't be tolerated, especially when it comes to leaving extra beer in the bottle.
I'm not sure what they call their "penalties," so we're just going to call this a party foul.
Apparently, Scotland got disqualified for not finishing their beers. That's a shame, and I'm not talking about them getting kicked out. All that good beer gone to waste...
We wouldn't have to worry about Cajuns leaving any beer in the bottle. It's almost sacrilegious to even think about.
The rules sound pretty simple: drink a beer, run a lap, repeat three more times. I bet some of you out there are seriously considering making a run at this thing. Go for the gold, I'm not stopping you. I just think you should know what you're up against.
How fast are these guys running this mile, with a stomach full of beer? Can we get times, please?
FOUR MINUTES AND THIRTY FOUR SECONDS?! Impossible. I refuse to believe it.
Somebody go test those cheating Canadians, because that ain't right.
The women's winner, Erin O'Mara, broke her own world record too at right around six minutes. She was also Canadian, which brings me back to my last point: test those Canadians, otherwise I'm going up there to test the water, the trees, the beavers and whatever else it takes to get to the bottom of this elaborate cheating scheme.
It's only right that a Cajun wins the next beer mile. We were made for this great test of bodily performance, but more importantly, our livers need this opportunity to prove their superiority over the rest of the world. How hard can it be to run a mile in under five minutes with a stomach full of golden joy?
I believe in you. Get out there and start training to become a true champion. If you want to make it to the top, you're going to have to take it one beer at a time.
Do it for America. Do it for Acadiana. Do it for the beer, and the trophies will follow.