10 Things in Pro Sports That Should Exist in Real Life
We love sports. They provide an escape from our mundane lives, while we watch the athletic endeavors of our favorite players.
But why do sports have to be only an escape? Here are some features of the sports landscape that we believe should exist in our everyday lives:
You didn’t get those reports in on time. The sales figures were all wrong. The presentation went so badly your client tried to jump over the conference room table to smack some sense into you. You don’t need to be fired. Maybe it’s a hammy. A stint on the 15-day DL will do you a world of good, so you’ll be refreshed and in tip-top shape when you return.
Did she reach into her pocket during the date to make a gesture that she would pay? Did the waiter spit on your hamburger after she took it back when you said it was undercooked? Upon further review, this is an even better idea than we initially thought.
We all have friends we outgrow and it’s awkward trying to end that relationship. Heck, ‘Seinfeld’ dedicated an entire episode to breaking up with a friend. Cut out all the awkwardness by trading your buddies. “Steve, we had a great run, but it’s time to move in a new direction. I’m trading you for Bill and a six-pack to be named later.”
If you have trades, you’ve gotta have free agency, right? Lock in your new co-worker who also likes talking about long-forgotten ‘80s sitcoms now for the next five years so you know you’ll always be able to chat about ‘The Hogan Family.’ Or, better yet, be the free agent — if two stores really want your business, play them against each other to see which will give you the 52-inch flat screen high def TV at the better price.
With free agency comes agents. In this economy, finding good work can be a nightmare. Having an agent would make things so much easier, right? Instead of replying to online ads where you’ll never hear back, it would be awesome to have some slick-backed Ivy Leaguer working the phones for you. That way, you can focus on staying sharp chilling out in the barcalounger, ready when the call comes.
So many of us live and die playing fantasy sports, where we get way too involved in how many touchdowns the second-strong Browns running back scores. Maybe our lives would be more enjoyable if we were invested in it like that. Start a league where you can win money for categories like how many times your mom will leave you messages this week complaining you don’t call her or how often you get someone to give you the finger by cutting them off in traffic.
Don’t you just hate how athletes decide to stop playing until the team’s owner forks over more money, even though they’re under contract? How awesome would that be in real life? Didn’t get that promotion, even though your department increased revenue? Just stop going to work and threaten to take your clients with you to another company. Don’t like the service at the restaurant? Simply sit put until you get a free cheesecake for dessert.
Strength and Conditioning Coaches
Let’s be honest: it’s hard to get to the gym. Between work and having something called a social life, it can be a pain in your slowly-but-surely protruding rump to rock the elliptical machine. If you had a support system whose sole job is to keep you in shape and tell you how to do it, then things would be much easier, wouldn’t they?
Bench Clearing Brawls
In real life, when you’re involved in a melee or a riot, you go to jail. In sports, you wind up on ESPN. That guy cut in front of you at the store and then won’t let you take back your spot? Jump him and let your buddies join in. It may not solve any problems, but, boy, what a rush.
Hall of Fame
If a musclehead who can hit the heck out of a baseball is honored for his talents, so should the average guy who survives the frustrations of the day-to-day world. We spend years waking up at 6 a.m. for work, gritting our teeth when dealing with in-laws and sitting in traffic. It’s high time we’re given kudos for slogging through. And let’s keep it simple — the hall of fame should just be one room with a giant TV with soundproof walls so we can’t hear people yelling at us to hang a picture.
Drew Weisholtz is a funny guy. Unless you didn’t like this, in which case he’s simply using a pseudonym. He’s written for ABC and other online outlets and does standup comedy in front of actual people. You can follow him on Twitter @undrstoodgenius.